Bari Weiss
Zionist Joan of Arc Takes the Tiffany Throne--a great reason to boycott CBS!
Gather round, children, for a bedtime story about how American journalism finally solved its objectivity crisis. The answer wasn’t better reporting, stricter fact-checking, or God forbid, giving a damn about reality. No, the answer was Bari Weiss — our very own Joan of Arc of Hasbara*, riding into CBS News on a horse borrowed from Mossad’s stables.
Once upon a time, CBS was the network of Murrow and Cronkite, those quaint fossils who thought “truth” was something you pursued rather than curated like a wine list. Now, thanks to Paramount Skydance, the Tiffany Network is being gift-wrapped for evil Zionist billionaire David Ellison’s new pet editor: Bari, 41, tireless slayer of “woke mobs” and patron saint of suspiciously similar talking points to every Israeli government spokesman of the last seventy-five years.
Weiss, remember, left The New York Times not because she couldn’t hack it, but because the newsroom wasn’t pro-Israel enough for her liking. She turned grievance into a career, launching The Free Press — a site with all the ideological subtlety of an IDF bulldozer, camouflaged in the language of “free speech” and “contrarianism.” Imagine Fox News, but with Substack fonts and longer words.
Now she gets the crown jewel: CBS News, where she’ll report directly to Ellison, skipping all that boring managerial hierarchy. A direct IV line from the C-suite to the newsroom. Think of it as neoliberal Zionism meets Silicon Valley efficiency. No middle management, just Bari mainlining pro-Israel narrative straight into your living room between Survivor promos.
And what timing! CBS just settled a Trump lawsuit over its “biased” Kamala Harris interview, coughed up millions in pro-MAGA advertising, and appointed a literal ombudsman to make sure fascists feel safe. Into this stew drops Bari, grenade pin already pulled, tasked with making CBS less “left-leaning.” Translation: make sure Palestinian voices remain either silenced, caricatured, or preemptively discredited.
Intelligent readers will view this move as directly related to the upcoming May cancellation of Stephen Colbert, which the Ellisons, father and son, vehemently claim is merely a “business” decision. Yeah, and Trump’s shit-filled diapers don’t stink.
The Free Press itself will remain a “standalone brand,” but don’t worry — the DNA is already spliced. Whether you’re reading The FP online or watching 60 Minutes, you’ll be hearing the same sermon: Palestinians exaggerate, antisemitism lurks under every progressive protest, and Israel remains the beleaguered victim, even as its airstrikes reduce Gaza to rubble.
Weiss’ supporters will gush that she’s “fearless.” Sure. And a fox is “fearless” when it sneaks into the henhouse at midnight. What they really mean is she’s fearless in protecting the indefensible, bold in repeating the party line, tireless in demanding empathy for the powerful while dismissing the powerless as liars.
It is, in short, the perfect American media marriage: one oligarch, one ideologue, and one helplessly flailing, old-timey broadcast network desperate to stay relevant. The Free Press becomes the CBS Press, and CBS becomes the news wing of an air force that just happens to fly F-35s stamped “Made in the USA.”
So grab your popcorn, America. The Tiffany Network, RIP, is now the Hasbara Network, brought to you by the same crowd that taught us Iraq had WMDs and Netanyahu was a reasonable man. Murrow is rolling in his grave so hard the seismic tremors might just register in Gaza.
And really, why not just boycott CBS News outright? You’ll save time, blood pressure, and maybe your soul. Skip the Zionist adulterated “60 Minutes” sermonettes, spare yourself the pompous Bari Weiss Lecture Series on How Israel Is Always Right, and instead watch YouTube conspiracy theorists — at least they don’t pretend to be objective. Boycotting CBS won’t change the world, but it’ll send a message to the evil billionaires that some of us still prefer journalism to public relations.
* Hasbara (הסברה, Hebrew for “explanation”) is the term Israel and its supporters use for public relations and propaganda efforts designed to promote a favorable image of Israel abroad.
In theory, Hasbara is just “explaining Israel’s position.” In practice, it’s a coordinated campaign—run by the Israeli government, pro-Israel organizations, and sometimes even volunteers—to influence media coverage, shape public opinion, and counter criticism of Israeli policies, especially regarding Palestine.
It includes:
Media spin: Talking points pushed to journalists, op-eds, and news outlets to frame Israel as the victim or “the only democracy in the Middle East.”
Online activism: Organized social media brigades, paid or volunteer, that flood comment sections, Twitter/X, TikTok, and Facebook with pro-Israel narratives.
Academic/cultural outreach: Funding trips (e.g., Birthright), sponsoring speakers, or pressuring institutions to silence or disinvite critics.
Smear campaigns: Branding critics as antisemitic or terrorists’ sympathizers, no matter how legitimate their human rights concerns may be.
Think of it as the PR branch of Israeli statecraft: part diplomacy, part spin, part gaslighting—designed to make you doubt your eyes when you see bombs falling on Gaza, and instead hear, “self-defense.”
