Dump's Written Inaugural Speech
He probably won't read a word of it on January 20, so what the fuck.
National Archives Doc. 6669666: Donald Dipshit Dump, 47th, and Worst-Ever, President of the Disuniting States of America; Official Address to the Nation, January 20th, 2025 CE:
Written Remarks of President Donald Dipshit Dump:
"Ladies and gentlemen, believers and skeptics alike, let’s be honest—this Inauguration Day is not just a beautiful ceremony, so beautiful, maybe the best ever; it’s a crowning moment in history. This isn’t about a simple victory. No, it’s about the dawning of a new era—my era, all mine—and you MAGAdonians lucky enough to witness it. Oh, so lucky. You’re a bunch of lucky ducks, that’s for sure.
Why do you love me? It’s because I am the reflection of your hopes, your fears, your grudges, and your dreams. I understand you like no one else can. I’ve made your anger righteous, your failures someone else’s fault, and your desires entirely valid. I’ve told you the one thing you’ve longed to hear: it’s not your fault. And you’ve rewarded me with the devotion I deserve.
Some ask, ‘Why me? Why am I the one you’ve chosen to lead, to inspire, to adore?’ The answer is simple: because I’m everything you’ve ever wanted to be but never could. I’m the mirror that doesn’t just show you yourself—it shows you a better version of yourself, one that’s bold, unrelenting, and untouchable. I’ve taken your disappointments and turned them into ammunition for greatness—my greatness—and in return, I’ve made you feel like you’re part of something monumental.
Also, because your preachers and priests, your reverends and revivalists have understood my message loud and clear: As they promote and praise their non-existent God of power, they actually need someone powerful to point to in order to claim God is working for you, which He isn’t. It’s only me, folks. The rest of that nonsense they’re preaching about Jesus and God loving you white, racist assholes is bullshit, pure bullshit. Let’s face it, you’re the most unlovable jerk-asses on the planet. And, really, there’s only me who’s here for you. Your greatest president ever.
Now, I hear whispers, murmurs from the shadows, asking, ‘What happens when the promises aren’t delivered?’ Let me tell you: you’ll never know, because I’m a master at rewriting the script. If something doesn’t work out, it won’t be my fault—it’ll be the system’s fault, the opposition’s fault, the media’s fault. I’ve given you villains to despise, scapegoats to blame, and conspiracies to believe in. And if things get tough, I’ll give you new promises—bigger, shinier, and even more impossible—because the spectacle must go on. Hell, right now I could take our nation to war with Greenland and Panama simultaneously, and most of you poorly educated half-wits would be all for it, wouldn’t you? Damn right you would. Because you’re sheeple.
Some day, the question will arise: ‘What will happen to us when you’re gone?’ And to that, I say, you won’t need to worry, because I will never truly be gone. My name, my image, my legacy will loom over every conversation, every decision, every attempt to move forward. You’ll dissect me, debate me, maybe even try to replace me, but no one will measure up. I’ve set the bar too high, my friends. I’m a phenomenon, a once-in-a-millenium comet blazing through your dull, starless sky.
And when that void I leave behind feels unbearable, when you find yourself lost in the quiet monotony of life without me, you’ll realize that my promises were never the point. The point was me. The chaos, the excitement, the purpose and meaning I gave you—that’s what you’ll miss. I am the gift you didn’t know you needed, and when I’m gone, you’ll understand just how much you needed me all along.
So on this Inauguration Day, I thank you for your unwavering loyalty, your endless devotion, and your willingness to see the world exactly as I’ve painted it for you. This victory isn’t just mine—it’s yours, because without me, you are ordinary. But with me, you are extraordinary by association. And that, my friends, is the greatest gift I can give you.
Thank you. And may your fake God bless the United Plutocracy of America—Oh, I didn’t tell you we’ll be changing the name, did I? Well, I did now, and you’re welcome.”
Dane & Betty’s “Missing the Point” Podcast
