Handgun Practice Basics
Special March 2025 preview article!
By Deak Vandal, Champion Handgunner
So, you’ve got a handgun. You’ve got the patriotic fervor of a true American democracy-loving marksman. But, tragically, you’re still stuck at the range, popping off rounds at boring human silhouette targets like a beta male wuss. Meanwhile, the real menace to society—your own Tesla—sits untouched in your driveway, mocking you with its soulless, authoritarian, self-driving algorithms. What’s a patriotic, accuracy-seeking, anti-fascist shooting enthusiast to do?
Answer: Turn your target practice into a public service!
Step 1: Understanding Your Target – The Tesla Frunk
White racist, South African, ketamine freak, semen dispenser Elon Musk’s overpriced status-symbol-on-wheels has a crucial flaw that makes it the ideal target: there’s nothing under the hood. That’s right, no engine, no transmission—just a useless plastic tub where a real car’s beating mechanical heart should be. That means your bullet has maximum room to roam before it even gets near the slightly-more-interesting (and certainly combustible) battery pack beneath.
Best part? Relatively little risk to the environment! Unless, of course, you’re really precise and punch through the frunk into those delicate lithium-ion cells. Then, you might just trigger an electric inferno worthy of a cyberpunk dystopia—which, let’s be honest, might be the perfect sendoff for your totalitarian Musk-mobile.
Step 2: The Ideal Shooting Setup
Positioning is key. For best results, park multiple Teslas in a staggered formation—ensuring grouped shot placement and a spectacular chain reaction if things really go south. Adjust for windage and consider elevated shooting positions for dramatic effect.
If you have a shooting buddy, consider simulated self-defense drills where one of you pretends to be a Tesla owner trying to mansplain why "X is the future of free speech." Nothing sharpens your reflexes like the instinct to silence fascist tech-bro nonsense with well-placed firepower.
Step 3: Optimal Shot Placement
For the greatest immediate effect:
Center mass of the hood – Maximum humiliation for the car. Your shot punches straight through the empty, useless frunk and exits out the bottom, where it joins countless other shattered dreams of Herr Musk’s customers and investors.
Headshot equivalent (The windshield) – This is especially symbolic if you once believed Elon's "saving humanity" pitch and need to reclaim your self-respect.
Battery compartment – If you’re feeling adventurous and wouldn’t mind a lithium explosion and a virulent, practically unquenchable blaze, aim low and let physics take its course.
Step 4: Emotional Processing & Catharsis
Firing upon your own Tesla is more than just practice—it’s an act of spiritual cleansing. You once bought into the lie. You were sold on the tech bro utopia that never came. But now? You’ve taken back control. Bullet by bullet, you’re restoring order to a Nazi nightmare world gone mad.
Step 5: Urban Guerrilla Training – The Nighttime Tesla Safari
For the true accuracy enthusiast, static target practice just isn’t enough. You need real-world conditions, and what better way to simulate live-action marksmanship than an urban Tesla liquidation mission?
Once the sun goes down, take a leisurely stroll through your neighborhood and identify parked, unoccupied Teslas that are just begging for early retirement. Their owners, likely already drowning in buyer’s remorse, will secretly thank you for liberating them from the fascist-aligned, software-controlled deathtrap they overpaid for. Think of it as community service—but with bullets.
The Rules of Responsible Tesla Elimination:
NEVER fire when people are inside the vehicle—your beef is with the car’s maker, not the (now probably deeply embarrassed) owner.
NEVER fire at a moving Tesla. You don’t want to cause an accident; you just want to assist in Elon’s bankruptcy filing one bullet at a time.
ALWAYS ensure proper backdrop awareness—ricochets off Teslas are a real thing, and while poetic justice would be seeing one bounce into a SpaceX office window, we still promote safe marksmanship here at Car & Handgun magazine!
DISGUISE your activities as a fitness routine—jogging clothes, earbuds in, occasional stretches between shots. If questioned, just say, "Wow, this Tesla must have caught some really bad Herr Hitler, er, hail!"
Final Thoughts
They say practice makes perfect, but let’s be real—perfection isn’t hitting a paper bullseye in some sterile shooting lane. Perfection is watching the airbags deploy after your third perfect shot to the front panel. It’s knowing that each squeeze of the trigger is a middle finger to the billionaire fascist complex that thought it could sell you on Mars colonies while gutting democracy here on Earth.
Train well. Shoot straight. And rid our nation of the Nazi Musk plague one friggin’ frunk at a time!
Dane & Betty’s “Missing the Point” Podcast. Sponsored by the evil Alphabet Corp.
