Morons, er, Mormons are Totally Fucked
New research cements the Book of Mormon as a total, stinking pile of literary shit.
According to the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-day Saints (LDS), humanity first heard of The Book of Mormon when the angel Moroni appeared to the Prophet Joseph Smith in September 1823 and spoke of “a book … written upon gold plates, giving an account of the former inhabitants of this continent.”
The continent being America - oh, and according to this mysterious tome, the “former inhabitants” back in the day supposedly got a visit from the Big Kahuna Himself - Jesus H. Christ.
Seven years later, in 1830, the scriptural canon of the Latter-day Saints - the Book of Mormon - was published for a cynical and generally disbelieving world.
The LDS origin narrative of the Book of Mormon, of course, is a stupid fucking lie – except for the part about widespread disbelief at its introduction. It is a work of utter bullshit, or as it’s known in polite society, fiction.
Now, an exhaustive new book pretty much puts a stake through the heart of Mormonism by revealing in great detail, and with only a few minor historical gaps, who created The Book of Mormon and why.
And the full story ain’t pretty, folks - as in, Lordy, Lordy! What utterly dishonest, deluded, and conniving fools these mortals be!
How the Book of Mormon Came to Pass uses the work of earlier Mormon critics but includes significant new research. It is so damning its author, Lars Nielsen, has kindly included a warning to devout Mormons not to read it.
Also, according to The Washington Post:
Nielsen’s twin brother, David, is a former Mormon investment manager who became a whistleblower regarding the church’s finances and tax-exempt status. Together, Lars and David Nielsen have filed a criminal complaint with the U.S. Internal Revenue Service alleging the Mormon church built a lucrative investment portfolio worth around $100 billion through the donations of members while failing to use a large portion of those funds for charitable purposes… Until September 2019, Nielsen had been a senior portfolio manager for the Mormon-church run investment non-profit, Ensign Peak Advisors. David Nielsen said that the money that went through Ensign Peak was used to prop-up a struggling shopping mall in Salt Lake City and an equally struggling insurance company.
So much for the Mormons’ stupid-ass 10-percent tithe being used to do “God’s work.” So far, the chickenshit IRS has taken no action on the Nielsen claim.
The Mormon Church is worth billions, and it has shamelessly involved itself in political activities, including its unsuccessful support in 2008 of California’s Prop 8, which would have restricted marriage to a man and a woman, preferably a subservient woman who eagerly believes in numb-nutz religious bullshit, one assumes.
Lars Nielsen methodically traces the Book of Mormon's content back to two 17th-century Jesuit priests - Athanasius Kircher and Pier Deon Moore. Though largely unknown today outside academic circles, these two totally bonkers characters were the superstars of bogus linguistics and ignorant Egyptology in their day.
Kircher was a bigtime bullshit artist. Desperate to escape war-torn Germany, he fabricated an ability to translate Egyptian hieroglyphs, despite the language not actually being deciphered until more than a century later. For decades, Kircher published books full of gibberish "translations," weird symbols, and images of brass and glass orbs which he claimed could magically answer questions. Sound familiar, you Mormon morons?
Meanwhile in Paris, Moore was making up his own "ancient" language and writing satirical stories about a character named - wait for it - Mormon, while playing anagram games with his own name. Some of Moore's peers saw him as a dangerous lunatic and really tore him a new one. The French intellectual scene was savage AF.
Fast forward 150 years to upstate New York. Lars Nielsen reveals how Dartmouth College professor John Smith (a distant cousin of Joseph Smith) became fascinated by Kircher and Moore's crackpot theories. John Smith then shared these ideas with his student, a fellow named Solomon Spalding, and encouraged him to write a novel about ancient Jews coming to America.
Spalding obliged, penning a work introducing characters named Nephi and Mormon, and featuring brass plates, reformed Egyptian, spirits in glass orbs, and voyages to the new world enabled by "compasses of curious workmanship." Hmm, why does this all sound so damn familiar? Perhaps it explains why the Book of Mormon begins with “Nephi” and ends with “Mormon?”
Unfortunately for him, Spalding's novel went unpublished, and he died in obscurity.
Unfortunately for humanity, a young man named Sidney Rigdon stumbled upon the Spalding manuscript and became convinced it was a true historical account. Rigdon, a Christian minister, then teamed up with his preacher pal, Parley Pratt, and a local treasure digger named Joseph Smith to "translate" this supposed ancient record.
And the rest, as they say, is pure, stinking bullshit.
Of course, the Mormon Church vehemently denies this sordid origin story. They've spent nearly two centuries obfuscating the truth and even buying 17th-century documents and hiding them in vaults to eliminate these embarrassing facts from the world. Hugh Nibley, a silver-tongued apologist for the Mormon elite, apparently worked hard to acquire Kircher's works and squirrel them away from prying eyes.
The leadership knows full well the Book of Mormon is a fraud, but they'll be damned if they let their flock of tithe-paying sheeple ever find out. You dumbkoffs are being conned. Wake up, morons!
So there you have it folks - the Book of Mormon is the bastard offspring of an escaped German priest's delusions of grandeur, a satirical French novel about a guy named Mormon, a cash-strapped college kid's Biblical fan fiction, and a backwoods preacher's wild-eyed belief that he'd stumbled upon a true historical record.
It's a story that would be comical if it hadn't launched one of the world's wealthiest and most influential, dumb-ass, LGBQT-oppressing religions.
But don't take The Devil’s word for it.
Pick up a copy of Nielsen's meticulously researched book for yourself and behold the overwhelming evidence he's assembled. Prepare to have your mind blown.
The truth can't be denied any longer. The Book of Mormon's miraculous origins are pure dog shit - an "inspiring" tale spun from whole cloth by a few goofballs with way too much time on their hands.
Somewhere up there, on Planet La-La, Nephi, Mormon, Joseph Smith and the Brethren must be shitting bricks right about now. Their jig is finally up, and Lars Nielsen is the courageous soul who had the guts to reveal it all and bring their house of cards tumbling down.
They say the truth will set you free, but this is one revelation the Mormon Church would probably prefer to stay buried along with Joseph's magic rock and the Golden Plates. Too bad, you lying assholes - the cat shit is out of the bag now, and this sordid tale is now stinking up your entire goddamn fake religion.
Buckle up, this bombshell is going to get interesting.
Yes Devil you are right every single bit of it is made up by Joseph Smith who was an unsuccessful professional “treasure searcher”. Just like all religions they raise their children using guilt and shame. Now if we could get rid of Scientology.