Obviously, The Joke’s On Us

And the God of Abraham is a crappy, two-bit comedian whose delivery fucking sucks.

A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim walk into a theater of war…

There was a time—not too long ago—when that opening line, though slightly different, promised levity. You’d hear it in a bar. In a comedy club. Maybe from your uncle with poor timing and a highball in his hand. It was a setup for something goofy. Relatable. Human.

Now? It’s just the prelude to the next regional extinction event. Because today, on this planet, in this year of our Lord/Allah/Yahweh/Mutually Assured Destruction 2025, that line is literal.

A Jew (Netanyahu), a Christian (well, sort of—Trump), and a Muslim (Khamenei) have all entered the same goddamn war theater—each armed to the molars, each convinced God is their personal GPS, and each itching to prove it by blowing the holy hell out of the others.

They’re not there to tell a joke. They are the joke. And the laugh track is a Geiger counter.

Let’s start with Bibi: Israel’s rabid rabbi forever prime minister and part-time prophet of doom. He’s an Old Testament-quoting strongman in a $3,000 suit, hellbent on proving Iron Age real estate disputes can, in fact, survive the nuclear age. His foreign policy boils down to “Don’t trust the goyim, bomb the neighbors, and call it God’s plan for his special people.”

Then there’s Donald “I am the chosen one” Dump—America’s Orange Messiah, the Pope of Poopy Diapers—he’s fresh off the Sunday morning golf course, now weighing whether to launch a nuclear bunker-buster at Iran’s Fordow Nuclear Facility because his billionaire Zionist backers told him it would make him look good in the Book of Revelation. Also, recent polls show 80% of his MAGA moron followers will think he’s God’s good buddy.

And let’s not forget the Ayatollah, cloaked in black, mumbling threats in the service of God, and treating women like brainless house pets. His branch of Islam is less “peaceful mysticism” and more “submit or die in our Allah Brand© prayer circle.”

These three power-drunk patriarchs don’t just represent their nations—they represent the toxic endgame of Abrahamic religion in the geopolitical garbage dump.

Each believes he’s channeling the One True God. Each is backed by a bureaucracy of toadies, clerics, billionaires, bomb manufacturers, and millions and millions of ordinary dumbshits. And each is convinced he’s about to win something big and important, not to mention fame and glory.

But first, let’s rewind a bit: The whole mess began with Abraham. You know the story: God tells Abraham to murder his son to prove his loyalty. Abraham says, “You got it, Lord!” and grabs a knife. Then God goes, “Just kidding! You passed. You’re the kind of psycho I can work with.”

And this—this ridiculous, unhinged loyalty test—has become the bedrock of half the human race’s ethical systems.

We treat this story like it’s noble and sacred. But let’s be real: Abraham didn’t pass the test. He failed it spectacularly—by being so obedient to a disembodied voice in his head that he almost slit the throat of his own child without blinking.

This is not the moral example of a civilization builder. This is the prototype for every cult leader, war criminal, and psycho middle manager who ever said, “I was just following orders.”

So now, supposedly three thousand years later, here we are: All three branches of the Abrahamic tradition have built empires on that same idea—obedience over morality, ritual over reason, sacrifice over sanity—and we’re watching the final act play out on live TV, with tactical nukes in the wings and these manly, manipulative, deeply sociopathic “prophets” in power.

The true horror? None of this is even religion anymore. It’s tribal nationalism dipped in Holy bullshit. It’s full-blown fascism in a fucked-up passion play. It’s statecraft by silly old stories. Netanyahu isn’t quoting Torah because he believes in peace. Trump’s not pretending to suck up to Jesus because he loves the Sermon on the Mount. And the Ayatollah doesn’t give a damn about divine mercy when his asinine regime’s survival depends primarily on repression and rage.

They’ve all found in Abrahamic religion the ultimate scam: Justify anything with a sacred verse, and you’re untouchable. Invade a nation? God’s will. Starve civilians? God’s justice. Decapitate a kid? God told you to. Drop a tactical nuke? “Let there be light.”

Which brings us to the present hour. The grand, murderous inheritors of the Abrahamic tradition—Jew, Christian, and Muslim—are now sweaty, disheveled, power-drunk maniacs, pacing the war stage like addicts in search of the next fix. They glare at each other with bloodshot eyes and trembling fingers, each wondering when to launch the next strike, the next betrayal, the next God-blessed atrocity.

And behind them, the ancient stone altar spins wildly in the void—tilted, cracked, awash in blood and bullshit—while the uncaring stars look down in cold, eternal silence. There is no voice from the heavens now. There is no ram in the thicket. Just three wildly delusional armed con artists struggling for exclusive control of their dented and dirty clown car in the middle of a burning shit-circus filled with dead believers and melted icons.

So maybe it’s time we admit the truth:

A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim walk into a theater of war… and accidentally slit their stupid, fake, nonexistent caveman God’s throat. And the world, although drenched in blood, lives just a teensy little bit happier ever after.

Or until next summer, figuratively speaking, when it catches fire and every fucking idiot human on this accursed, pointless planet dies of global warming.

Amen.

SIDEBAR

Seven limp-dick riffs on a tired, old theme:

The Literalist’s Favorite:
A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim walk into a bar…
...and the bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

The Tip Jar Parable:
A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim walk into a bar…
...and by the end of the night, they’ve all agreed: The Jew handled the tab. The Christian left a generous tip. And the Muslim ordered water and forcibly converted the bartender.

The Afterlife One-Liner:
A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim walk into a bar…
...and discover it’s actually purgatory. The bartender is a Buddhist, and nobody’s allowed to leave until they all admit they’re wrong.

The Bartender’s Lament
A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim walk into a bar...
...and the bartender says, “Great. Now I’ve got to stock three kosher, five halal, and one wine blessed by a gay guy in a robe.”

The Theological Bar Tab
A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim walk into a bar...
...each insists someone else is paying, because “God will provide.”
The bartender now accepts prayers as collateral and has declared bankruptcy.

The Conversion Chain
A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim walk into a bar...
...by the end of the night: The Jew has converted the Muslim to Zionism, The Christian has converted the Jew to forgiveness, And the Muslim has converted the bar to a mosque. The bar is now closed on Fridays, Sundays, and Saturdays.

The Miracle Round
A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim walk into a bar...
...they sit down, order one beer, and somehow end up with twelve baskets of leftovers, eternal salvation, and a well in the desert.