Readers’ Questions Answered
In light of our impending global doom, Yours Truly is taking the lazy way out.
Several hundred readers have emailed Yours Truly at satanicshitstorm99@gmail.com to inquire about various and sundry issues, including why these screeds sometimes appear at infrequent intervals and at other times in batches, and can The Devil please refund their subscription fees? Nope.
The infrequencies occur mostly because The Devil is an actual spiritual being and not a machine intelligence. But also, because sometimes he just needs a break from all the brutal insanity swirling around us.
For example, reading anything about Benjamin Netanyahu and the irony-free Zionist genocide of Palestinians makes him break out in hives. And writing about Donald Dipshit Dump and his asshole followers generally requires several days of cleansing shit baths to suck out the poisons. (Horse shit dissolved in hot liquid seems to do the trick. Especially when that liquid is vodka.)
Apologies to all those who write to The Devil but never receive a personal answer. Know that he’s watching you very closely 24/7, and monitoring your every thought. Not in a creepy way, though. With more than 300,000 paid subscribers, the avalanche of outraged diatribes resulting from each screed is certainly heartwarming.
Rest assured, The Devil reads every single one of your unhinged death threats and cherishes each and every claim that Jesus was a real person, and that Marjorie Taylor Greene is - as proud MAGA reader Jack Gherts recently opined - “one hot chick.” Sure, Jack - in your bizzarro world of pickup truck-based public masturbators. To each his own, as they say.
To those of you clamoring for The Devil to produce a book of his profound wisdom - he says why bother? We’re not gonna be here long enough for you to put that wisdom to work by actually fixing America and making it work for We the People, rather than the billionaires and their toadies. Have you seen the headlines of late? Fuck.
In light of our impending global doom, Yours Truly has decided to take the lazy way out and occasionally answer readers’ questions. So, here goes:
Q. What are the dumbest words you’ve read recently? - Joe Lama, Elko, Nevada
The Devil: “Office-appropriate sandals.”
Q. What the hell’s wrong with you, asshole? - Terri Entwhistle, Chicago, Illinois
TD: Thanks for your open-ended question, Terri. My fundamental problem is that I loathe and despise bullies. Especially stupid and greedy ones. It’s that fuckin’ simple.
Q. Do you think the upcoming Solar Eclipse means INSANE PROPHECY EVENTS are coming? The Gog/Magog War, for example? - Dale Enderson, Calvary, Utah
TD: You are spot-on, Dale. Well, in the sense that you’ve taken all of your free-floating dread and anxieties and wrapped them in a big, stupid package on which you can easily Crayon a label in your simpleton’s scrawl. How efficient! Frazzled, dithering morons everywhere can ape your dreary example. However, I would counsel you to show some personal pride and initiative. Why not come up with an over-arching doom scenario of your very own, rather than that tired, old biblical shit the self-absorbed Christians have been idiotically blabbering about for 1,600 years now to utterly no effect? You’re better than that, Dale. Might I suggest focusing on that newly theorized cosmic ray - a teeny-tiny subatomic particle that can hit you with the force of a professionally hurled baseball even as it passes right through you and the entire planet as well? Now that’s some hellzapoppin’ doom-saying, and it’s far more likely to occur than an anciently conceived cataclysmic war with a goofy cartoon name. Also, just for the hell of it, Dale, why not try pretending to read a book other than the Bible once in a while?
Q. Hi, Devil! In your last column about UFOs, you basically say that they’re delusions and visions. Why are you such a hater? - Brian Kankersmith, Tulane, California
TD: I don’t hate UFOs, Brian, I’m just sick of reading a bunch of second-hand shit on a subject that never seems to cough up any real phlegm. (Technically, I did not mix metaphors there.) In this respect it seems like every recent report of a UFO incident starts off like a 19th-century Victorian tale of horror: “Recently, while going through my deceased uncle’s papers, I found his strange and unnerving account of an other-worldly encounter with an Irish woman’s vagina. I am still rather shaken by it, even in the light of day…” By the way, in that UFO screed I failed to mention an important point. Namely, that it seems highly likely the supposed phenomena of “alien abductions” is really just an unknown human ability to subconsciously prognosticate a chaotic future in which our conscious minds will be somehow enfolded into artificial intelligence. You think life is weird now? Just wait a few years, suckers.
Q. You disgusting vermin. Donald J. Trump was our greatest President ever, and he will be again. You sad, miserable asshole liberals will be crushed when President Trump returns to the White House. I spit on you disrespectful losers, and I hope I get the opportunity to piss on your grave after he stomps on you with a righteous, reinvigorated Justice Department. God Bless America, you fuck. - Stephen Cheung, Bishop’s Point, North Carolina
TD: Nicely put, Stephen. But your would-be Mango Mussolini doesn’t stand a chance of winning this time around. Especially because he will flee to Saudi Arabia once it becomes clear he’s about to serve prison time. (Bonus! Future prediction!!! MBS and his, uh, under sheiks will eventually barbeque Dump and devour his roasted corpse in their isolated Ramadan desert hideaway!) Meanwhile, back in the present day, all of this will result from Dump’s New York state criminal trial, now slated to begin April 15. And sure, Dump campaigning from prison would directly ape his boyhood hero, Adolph Shitler, much to the pleasure of the Christo-Fascists, but the Dumpster knows he doesn’t have the brains or talent to pull off that political stunt, especially with that fading brain of his. The escargot of brains, as he silently reassures himself over and over. Also, uh, was it Stephen? The emotional tone of your message hints, at least to Yours Truly, that you are a dedicated fascist piggy-wiggy longing for a strongman to rule over you. There’s obviously a Tesla brand Elon II™ robot in your future. Doubtless, attachments and upgrades will cost extra.
Q. President Donald Trump does not have a “tiny, mushroom-shaped dick,” as you so filthily allege. And he does not “reek” of “unchanged doggie diaper” as you so libelously assert. On behalf of a righteous and deeply offended America, I demand you publish an abject, self-abnegating apology demonstrating your complete and total acceptance of and submission to President Donald J. Trump - Part II in All His Gloriousness. Seriously, sieg heil! - U.S. Rep. Lauren Boebert, Anus Hole, Colorado
TD: The honor is all mine, Madam Congress moron. You are truly one of our nation’s way-too-numerous damp, flushable butt-wipes. Now slither on back to your plastic, lidded tub before more than just your smelly, gin-soaked brain/cunt dries out. You traitorous, alcoholic, shit-smeared, dick-grabbing, Christo-fascist lying-ass, bird-brained…
Oh, Jeez! Would-ya you look at the time! Sorry, gotta go.