The Devil Does Standup

It's a weeknight at a rundown beer joint in Toledo, Ohio. Suddenly, off in the corner, a familiar figure mounts a crummy little stage...

You ever notice how every billionaire is like a different breed of rich asshole? Like, Bill Gates is your nerdy, sweater-wearing Bond villain, Jeff Bezos is Lex Luthor on TRT, and Elon Musk? Oh, he's special. That guy’s what happens when you take a Reddit troll, inject him with emerald mine money, and give him a God complex the size of Jupiter.

I mean, Musk is the guy who looked at Twitter and thought, "You know what this needs? More Nazis." The dude spends 44 billion dollars to buy a website where people used to argue about pineapple on pizza and turned it into a 24/7 Nazi open mic night. And the best part? He paid for it like some rich idiot walking into a pawn shop, pointing at an old DVD player and going, "I'll take it! 44 billion, right?" That’s like using a solid gold sledgehammer to kill a mosquito, except instead of a mosquito, it’s everyone’s last shred of sanity.

And now he's out there talking about cutting two-thirds of government jobs? Bro. BRO. If you hate the government so much, why does it keep bailing out your stupid car company? Tesla wouldn’t exist without government subsidies, but sure, let’s fire the poor schmuck processing your billion-dollar tax break. Great idea! Next, let’s fire air traffic controllers and see how well your rockets do when they’re dodging Spirit Airlines.

But nah, Musk is a visionary! This dude’s reinventing trains by digging a car tunnel under Vegas that’s literally one lane. One lane! That’s not futuristic, that’s a billionaire’s version of putting a laundry chute in his mansion and calling it an innovation. Meanwhile, Japan has maglev trains that go 375 mph and Musk is like, "What if we just drove in a hole?" Genius!

And can we talk about his fanboys? Oh my God, the Musk bros. These guys are next-level cultists. You ever meet one? They think he’s Tony Stark when he’s really just Dr. Evil with a worse hairline. They’ll straight-up defend this guy like he saved their mom from a fire, like he’s gonna show up at their house one day and be like, "You believed in me, Chad. Here’s a Model S." Meanwhile, the only thing Musk is handing out is mass layoffs and workplace injuries.

And his security team? You hear about this? His private bodyguards got deputized by U.S. Marshals—which, uh, what the hell? You know who else got federal security? Mass murderers and and corporate whistleblowers. When the U.S. government starts giving a tech bro’s bodyguards federal arrest powers, that’s when you start stocking up on canned goods. And what exactly do they need federal authority for? In case someone throws a brick at his Cybertruck? Dude, your stupid car already looks like it survived a Mad Max sequel.

And Starlink! Oh, we gotta talk about Starlink. You ever see a guy accidentally control world events by being a giant pussy? Musk literally denied Ukraine access to Starlink at a crucial moment in their war because he was worried it might make Vlad Putin mad. This is a guy who named his kid after a WiFi password and now he’s out there playing God with satellite warfare like he’s in Call of Duty.

Oh, and speaking of his kids—this dude has 13 children by god knows how many different whores. Thirteen! The guy wants to personally repopulate the planet like he’s a one-man doomsday cult. Every time he tweets some dumb nonsense at 3 AM, I just picture one of his 87 nannies sighing while handing another newborn to the assembly line of overworked au pairs. At this rate, the Musk family reunion is gonna be like a Christmas Blowout crowd crush down at the Wally-Mart.

And what’s next? What’s next? You know what it is. Brain chips. Oh yeah, because THAT’S what we need—Elon Musk, but in our heads. Like I need my own brain telling me, "Actually, free speech means bringing back Alex Jones." Imagine getting a Neuralink installed and every morning, you wake up with a new Joe Rogan podcast directly injected into your skull. It’s like paying $10,000 for a subscription for regular episodes of Schizophrenia—not a TV series, just the brain disease. No thank you!

But here’s the thing, right? For all his insanity, he’s not even the worst billionaire. I mean, at least he’s entertaining! Like, what does Bezos even do? That guy is just pure, efficient evil. He’s like if Darth Vader was really into logistics. And Zuckerberg? Oh, Zuck is the weirdest one of all. That guy is the only billionaire who looks like he’s trying to blend in as a human. He’s like a lizard that watched too many YouTube tutorials on smiling.

But Musk? Oh, Musk is the fun kind of terrifying. He’s the one that makes you go, "Man, we really let this guy run wild, huh?" Like, one day, he’s gonna launch himself to Mars and realize nobody else wanted to go with him. And then we’ll all just go back to riding normal, functioning trains while he’s up there, live-streaming his mental breakdown from a SpaceX bunker, wondering why his fanboys aren’t Venmo-ing him oxygen.

And maybe that’s the real solution to the Musk problem. Just let him go. Seriously, if he wants to be an interplanetary emperor, let him be the first guy to colonize Mars. Just send him up there, give him a Cybertruck and a month’s supply of Soylent, and tell him, "Alright, genius—make it work." And we’ll all sit back and watch the first billionaire to die from thinking Wi-Fi is oxygen...