By the time the sun set on Saturday, June 14, the American experiment had completed its transformation from fragile democracy to low-rent Bond villain bullshit. Donald Dipshit Dump— 47th and worst president ever, felon, and wannabe Walmart Mussolini—had just endured the grand flop of his military-themed birthday parade in Washington, D.C. Instead of awe, the spectacle inspired memes, migraines, and widespread embarrassment. The squeaky tanks looked like props from a high school production of "Red Dawn," and the crowd could be best described as "enthusiastically two-thirds empty."
So naturally, two days later, still seething from the pyrotechnic impotence of his big fascist birthday bash, Dumpy did what any cognitively declining narcissist with access to the nuclear codes would do: he threatened to vaporize a city of ten million people.
On Monday, Dump tweeted: "Iran should have signed the deal I told them to sign. What a shame and waste of human life. Simply stated, Iran cannot have a nuclear weapon... Everyone should immediately evacuate Tehran."
Let that sink in: the worst-fucking-ever president of the United States, at 3 a.m. Tehran time, warned innocent civilians in a foreign capital to evacuate. This isn’t policy; it’s not even strategy. It’s the political equivalent of scrawling "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL ARMAGEDDON" on a stick of dynamite and then lighting it with your birthday candles.
Did we mention Tehran has 10 million people? Yeah, we did. That’s New York and L.A. combined. And while Dump fans may see this as some sort of realpolitik flex, the rest of us recognize it for what it is: a senile, bitter fucktard hinting at massive genocidal horror—the very definition of a disgustingly insane would-be mass murderer.
The real target, ostensibly, is Iran's Natanz nuclear facility. It’s buried under 20+ meters of reinforced concrete, because the Iranians, having spent the last 70 years watching us liberate oilfields with precision munitions and blind jingoism, know a thing or two about surviving American freedom. To destroy Natanz, the U.S. would need to drop a B61 Mod 11 bunker-buster nuke—a 400-kiloton diplomatic resignation letter from the human race. One bomb, one crater, one End Times inauguration.
And here’s the part where things go from apocalyptic to darkly hilarious. With Israeli strikes having already dismantled Iran's major air defenses, the USS Carl Vinson and USS Nimitz are now parked within full-throttle striking distance. Each carries dozens of F/A-18s, cruise missiles, and all the kinetic dysfunction a terminal empire can muster. They can hit Natanz tomorrow. Hell, they could hit Isfahan, Qom, Bandar Abbas, and Tehran simultaneously. And then what? Iran disappears?
Not quite.
Iran, with its 89 million people, is not a weapons depot. It’s a civilization. Bombing it into submission is like trying to silence Beethoven with a chainsaw. Sure, you’ll make a mess, but the music has already been permanently preserved in writing and will keep echoing no matter what.
Iran’s response would be biblical. Missiles at U.S. bases. Proxy wars ignited from Syria to Yemen. Hezbollah hitting Tel Aviv. And the Strait of Hormuz? Say goodbye to 20% of the world’s oil. Gas hits $300 a barrel. The Dow jumps off a bridge. MAGA morons are forced to start collecting firewood.
And who knows how the fuck Russia and China would respond?
And for what? To soothe the decaying ego of a low-IQ cretin whose frontal lobe already appears to have shrunk to the size of his tiny nutsack? Dump’s obviously advancing senility—word salad speeches, fantasy history, forgetting people he appointed, blank stares during national addresses—has metastasized into strategic delirium. He is not just a threat to democracy. He is a threat to planetary stability.
It would be laughable if it weren’t so fucking Old Testament.
Let’s be clear: this is now the most dangerous overseas military situation in modern American history. Yes, worse than Iraq. Yes, worse than Afghanistan. Even worse than the Cuban Missile Crisis, because at least JFK wasn’t trying to rerun Celebrity Apprentice from the tacky, gold-drenched Offal Orifice while idiotically hinting at nuclear genocide on Twitter.
We are living in a moment where a fragile, though furious piece of shit, humiliated by the failure of his dumbshit fascist parade, may be trying to write himself into the Book of Revelation. Not as a savior. As the final plague.
If the missiles fly, history won't remember Dump as a president. It will remember him as the shit-stinking, pee bag-wearing mistake that ended the American century with a blinding orange flash.
And what would it mean for American politics, assuming that was still a thing after this horror?
Total collapse of the post-World War II international order would be just the appetizer. Domestically, any nuclear strike ordered by Dump would split the United States not along partisan lines, but along the fault lines of reality itself.
A mushroom cloud over Iran would detonate a second one at home: mass resignations from the military, mass protests in every city, and a legitimate constitutional crisis as governors, judges, and even generals refuse to obey a human dog turd who just nuked civilians without Congressional approval. Impeachment wouldn't be enough. The Twenty-Fifth Amendment would look quaint. This would be the full-bore, edge-of-the-abyss moment where the republic decides whether to be a democracy, a military junta, or a radioactive dumpster fire with a flag on it.
And the GOP? If there were any spine left in that totally rotten husk of a party, it would snap. But more likely, these jackals would release a statement saying, "While we regret the loss of life, we respect the President's bold leadership in defending American freedom."
This wouldn't just end Dump. It would burn every institution that enabled him. And from those ashes? Maybe something new. Or maybe just more ash.
And what of Israel—the matchlighter in this gasoline bath?
The most informed international thinkers—from weary U.N. analysts to terrified Swiss bankers—have already begun drafting obituaries for Israel’s post-1967 dominance. Netanyahu’s move to provoke Iran, using Israeli airstrikes on Iranian military assets to draw in support from utterly stupid Americans, might ensure his own grip on power for another news cycle. But the cost will be existential.
Israel, once seen as a nuclear-armed fortress state, is now exposed. The Iron Dome doesn’t work against fallout. The economic consequences are already brutal: tourism has evaporated, global companies are quietly relocating regional offices, 80 percent of Israel’s small businesses are in collapse, and the Tel Aviv Stock Exchange is in freefall. Trade with Europe is being reevaluated in every capital. Investment funds are bailing. And then there's the human reaction: a panicked exodus of Israelis with dual citizenship—Germany, Canada, Australia—fleeing what increasingly looks like a state of permanent war and endless murder with no off-ramp.
This wasn’t national security. This was political arson. Netanyahu lit the match not because he thought it would keep the nation warm, but because he needed a distraction from corruption trials and collapsing coalitions. And now the world sees it clearly.
But maybe Israel will survive this in the narrow sense—it might not vanish—but its moral standing, regional dominance, and economic future are now smoldering in the wreckage of its blood-thirsty prime minister’s sinister ambition. And the irony? Iran may lose cities, but Israel has lost what little legitimacy it once had.
If Dump ends the American century with a nuke flash, Netanyahu may just end Israel’s future with a whimper—and a passport stamp at Ben Gurion Airport.
And when the smoke clears, what happens next?
If what’s left of Israel crawls out from the wreckage—shattered, humiliated, demanding an IV drip of American tax dollars and munitions—the reaction in the U.S. might surprise them. The reflexive unconditional support that’s propped up the murderous Israeli state for decades is no longer a guarantee. Especially not after Americans watch body bags come home, fuel prices destroy livelihoods, and allies abandon us at the U.N. over a war we didn’t need and a genocide we greenlit.
Some Americans—mostly evil, dumbshit Christians—long conditioned to equate “supporting Israel” with patriotism, will stupidly double down. But others—including veterans, young progressives, and exhausted moderates—will scream and scream and scream the one question that ends empires: What the hell are we even doing?
Our corrupt, bought-and-paid-for Congress may fund another billion-dollar arms package. But the people? They’ll be more interested in funding their heating bills and prescription refills. If Israel wants to survive on life support, it may need to find a new fuck buddy—because Uncle Sam, after nuking the Middle East on the orders of a senile dictator and his indicted, mass-murdering foreign bestie, might finally be too broke, too broken, or just too fucking done with this utterly immoral shit to keep the ventilator plugged in.
And so, yes—it could be the end of Israel, even if it claims victory. Because sometimes you win the battle, but lose your future. And sometimes you win, but everyone sees what a blood-thirsty, horrific fascist monster you are in the sickly, pale light of dawn.
Of course, maybe it’s a longshot but there could be a happy ending—perhaps Iran could nuke Israel, thus proving there really is a just and caring God. After all, Bibi Bullshit Fuckingyahoo has been claiming Iran is within a “couple of weeks” of having an A-bomb for what? At least a decade now? That would be so fucking cool if they did, even if it would be horrific for Israel’s nearby neighbors.
But then death is preferrable to dishonor in some instances, especially when you’re being tortured and slaughtered fucking endlessly by an insanely entitled religious freak/blood-sucking bully pretending to worship a shitty ancient god solely for real estate-acquisition purposes.
Oh, wait. Are we projecting, or what?
Dane & Betty’s “Totally Missing the Point” Podcast. Sponsored by the End Times.
